I can kind of feel that hazy feeling coming on, hopefully it kicks in soon.
I have far too much on my mind tonight. I’m moving in with my friend B this weekend. I’m still on the fence as to whether or not this will be good for us, I’m going to do my best to make it beneficial, though. We could both use some social interaction since we’re both currently unemployed and both of our boyfriends are gone (her’s is deployed, mine is in school.) We are each other’s closest friend though, and I worry that if we screw this we’ll end up bitter old spinsters or something. I don’t know.
We get along most of the time. Sometimes I feel like smacking her, and I’m sure she feels the same way. There are some things we’re learning it’s just better to not talk about. I just worry that ‘relationships’ will be tacked onto that list soon. We’re both in such different seasons and I think she has a hard time with that. She gets a little sad any time that D calls, and I really don’t bring him up anymore unless she starts the conversation. And she’s gotten a little snippy recently and said some hurtful things. Or maybe they weren’t and I just took them that way?
The other night I was unpacking boxes in my new room in her apartment and said something along the lines of, “I really need to go through all my crap and get rid of some things. I can’t be holding onto boxes full of useless junk forever.”
To which she replied, “Yeah but you won’t have to have it all in boxes forever, you won’t be here forever. You’ll get married and move across the country to a place where you don’t know anyone to be with D.”
Which we both laughed at, because that’s the future we’re both expecting. But then she said, “… Would you even want to be with him if he wasn’t in the military?”
And after I snapped back, “Absolutely.” I can’t really remember what the rest of my response was. I know we talked about how in the beginning, part of me wished something would go wrong and his ship date would be pushed back or he’d change his mind. Which I STILL feel badly about, I knew even then when part of me just wanted him home that it wouldn’t make me happy, because what makes me happy is seeing him happy, and what makes him happy right now keeps him apart from me. B said, “If he got sent home though, it’s not like you guys have much future here. He couldn’t get a job.”
To which I stared, blankly. The crane operator’s girlfriend is telling me that my boyfriend, who works in IT, can’t find a job.
Don’t get me wrong, the skills her boyfriend has will get him an awesome job, he’s great at it. It just clicked with him and he’s been doing a freaking awesome job at it since he started. But if any of us needs to worry about finding a job nearby, it’s him. There is no business for that where we live.
Asdlkfjdlhd. My point, in that convoluted mess: what was the point? Why is it necessary to say things like that? I know she knows what it feels like to have people accuse you of loving the uniform more than the man. We’ve talked repeatedly about how much that hurts, about how it’s a punch in the stomach when people take one look at you and think you’re only with him for his money. Why would she even ask? And she knows me! This girl has known me for years! How could she even think I would date someone just for status? (And, I might add, I HAVE NONE. I don’t understand where that thought comes from. I have no rank. I don’t think I’m above the women I know who are dating men who work civilian jobs. I have earned no title, and I don’t want one. The only thing I want to walk away from this with is a “Mrs.” before my name and my man back in my arms. So if one more person accuses me of being in this relationship for the ‘perks’ or the ‘title’ I’m going to kidney-punch them.)
She just… for some reason, doesn’t want to have this in common. Which makes me sad, because I have no one else to have this in common with.
Plus D has been super busy lately, and I’m going to be super busy until Monday. Which means we’ll miss out on another weekend. I’m not surprised or angry or anything, I know life gets in the way. It’s just lame that life gets in the way when you really want to spend time with the one who makes you smile. Instead I’m going to be packing boxes and scrubbing floorboards on his days off instead of skyping him.
Good practice for deployment, I guess. -.-
I’ve been writing this for half an hour. I’m still not tired and my heart is heavier. Damn you tumblr, you’ve failed me.
I adore that he calls me on his breaks.
Makes my day, every day.
Whose damn lucky? Mmmhmm.
I got to lay down with D on Skype tonight. He tries so hard to stay awake, it’s the sweetest thing ever. But I have absolutely nothing against watching him fall asleep. It’s something I took for granted before he left, and now it makes my heart overflow.
I was pretty sure his phone battery was getting low, but all the same, I was selfish and watched him sleep for a while before hanging up. I could almost pretend he was here. It was the perfect dose of home.
The only thing that would have made it better would be being able to reach out and touch his face, kiss his forehead, run my fingers through his hair. But I will wait. When the night comes that he falls asleep by my side again, I will say a prayer of thanks for every touch we share, no matter how trivial. If this has taught me anything, it’s that every moment another human being chooses to spend in your presence is a gift.
(and in case you find this post, babe. I love you and goodnight <3)
How much does it cost (on average) to send a box? Let’s just assume it’s the flat rate box. The mediumish sized one.
I am beyond broke but have easter stuff to send to D and need to know a vague number to be shooting for after I pay bills. Help?
I said I had a rough day and he made me hang up and make a skype account so he could borrow his roommates computer and talk to me face-to-face.
I love this man.
In less than a week, I’m going to see D again.
I’m freaking out.
I finally got the freaking gate pass (that was way easier than I thought it would be, hah) and I’m packing. I cleaned out two of my purses and found my Flip and the disposable camera I lost. I hadn’t told D about it because he keeps asking for the photos in his letters. I couldn’t break it to him if I’d lost it, they were all our pictures from the coast, so this will be a GREAT graduation gift. Well, he can see them, I’ll have to send them to him once he gets to Florida.
I have no idea what his bank balance is and he keeps asking me for it :/ His mom seems to think that the bank statement they were sent over a month ago is current. I have tried and failed at explaining to her that’s not true. He has purchased uniforms and toiletries and stamps and a myriad of other things, it’s going to be less. That being said, he has also been paid since then. I have trust in his IT skills though, he will work it out on his phone once we get off base.
I can’t wait to meet the girls! Ahh! (By girls, I mean the lady s/o’s from D’s division.) They are like sisters at this point. We’ve made each other gifts (photo frames, magnets, screen-printed thongs, etc) and I’m hoping and praying I can sneak away from D’s family long enough to go to dinner with them the night before graduation. They’re being very protective, which is sweet. I do appreciate having 50+ year olds to navigate the city with me. But I do feel confident enough in my ability to catch a cab and go to dinner, I don’t know if they will agree with that however. I could put my foot down. I’m a grown woman. I was going to go on this trip solo when they weren’t sure if they could afford it, and I can go to dinner if I damn well please. But that is dramatic and pointless because I do very much like his family and don’t want to hurt their feelings.
His mom said she was going to make sure D and I had “some time alone.” I’m irked because I’m pretty sure she means they will drop us off at starbucks in the rental car and wait around the corner while we sip tea. What I would rather is they would take the rental car and go look at museums while ignoring the fact that D and I are heading back in the direction of my hotel room. But… c’est la vie. If I have to feign sickness at the dinner table and make him fake leading me to the bathroom to help me vomit, I will do it ;) His mom is terribly attached to her little boy and I doubt she will let him out of her sight for more than ten minutes. That’s fine. We can work with that, haha.
One thing that is proving to be a bit of a bummer is that my SDI check was 400 dollars short. Meaning I am going to have to do something I hate and ask D to pay for dinner because I don’t know how I’m going to cover rent this month. The state is all messed up since my doctor keeps writing me off for two week extensions. I’m pretty sure they’ve managed to “lose” 800 dollars in the past two months that was supposed to end up in my bank account. It’s very stressful, especially now with this trip coming up. I can’t afford for something to go wrong :/ So maaan am I hoping it doesn’t.
And my DR is out of the office, and the other DR isn’t faxing back the RX to target. So I’m going to Chicago with no pain medication. This is going to be rough but SO worth it. So, so worth it.
And I FINALLY dyed mine darker like he’s been begging me to for months. So hopefully we don’t have trouble finding each other. I’m going to cry like a total chick, I know it. Which means I should probably invest in some waterproof mascara…
I DID buy a really cute coat today. Originally $160, and I got it for $21.50. Mmmmhmm, I was pretty proud of myself for that.
This post is becoming pointless.
I love this boy. He realized I’ve been driving back and forth from sacramento to get his letters and ignored what I told him and sent them to my parents’ house anyway. Which meant that this morning when I woke up bummed out because I knew there were letters three hours away with my name on them, I danced around like a moron when I checked the mail for my parents and saw two letters with my name on them :)
Finally, there are more days crossed off on the calendar than there are left ahead of us. Well, at least until he graduates.
I took some country roads home tonight after spending the day with B. She and I have spent the past three days together, and I think she might actually dread me going back to the city more than I do. It’s understandable. I’m going back to life with a roommate, she’ll be losing one. We tapped into our crafty sides today and made a myriad of bright-colored things. I made a spring banner for the apartment and finished the Date Jar I was making for A, then drew something for D and started his letter. I still need to finish that, now that I think of it.
I sort of opened up to my mom the other night. I was in the process of rewriting a letter to D when I.. what’s the word… exploded? That’s about right. I need to get into the habit of journaling again, then I won’t need to erupt on unsuspecting passersby. It was extremely uncomfortable and she ended the conversation with accusing me of micromanaging when I said that I felt guilty for not having happier things to say to him. Her solution? Tell him about all the deaths that have happened since he left, including the man who was murdered with a fork.
I went ahead and made an executive decision NOT to include that in his letter. He worries about me constantly and would die of a stroke if I told him how crazy his home town has suddenly become.
I did tell him about dinner the other night, though, which I was surprised at. But B had a good point in telling me she was sure my boyfriend would like to know I’m still HUMAN while he’s gone, which involves telling him about awkward dinner parties your parents invited you to and about how you publicly contradicted your mother and about how you spent the remainder of the evening practicing positive imagery while one of your dinner guests talked about the men he saw killed in Vietnam.
Truth be told, I left that last part out. ;)
I’ve got another week of tapering down on the Cymbalta and hopefully this horrid fuzziness in my head will dissipate. The Elavil isn’t working yet, but I wasn’t expecting it to. I’ve got another week and a half on that before I write it off, and I’ve now gone… what, five days without pain medication. I’m a strange, sad mixture of pride and irritation. I’m glad I was productive these last few days without it, and extremely pissed that a certain family member can’t take the prescribed dosage and therefore needs to steal mine.
But, letting that go.
Tonight was hard. Driving home from B’s, I said something out loud in the car that struck me so squarely I started sobbing. I am exhausted. The truth of it all, though, is that it doesn’t matter right now. It can’t. And if I were to be transparent, that is probably what broke my heart. It wasn’t acknowledging the issue, but realizing that there still isn’t time for me to focus on it yet. I know I’m running on fumes, physically and mentally, but this is just one of those times when I have to suck it up and keep on truckin’, if you will. When the world stops spinning, I’ll be able to rest for a while, and man do I hope that day is soon. But, if it’s not, I think I’ve proven to myself finally that I’m capable of being as strong as I need to be. And that feels effin’ good.
Got to talk to D for 16 minutes today. I was 30 minutes into my trip down south when he called and I swerved into a rest area to talk to him (stupid California traffic laws.)
I think I was expecting to be calm and collected like the last time he called, but I forgot he called and woke me up that morning. Apparently I was too tired to cry, because I was a wreck today. Anyway, he didn’t notice so it’s all good.
He sounds exhausted. He had a few snippets of good news to share and I’m grateful for that, anything positive in his life will help him, I’m sure. He asked if I sprayed perfume on one of my letters and I freaked out. “No! Why? Did it smell like I did? Did you get in trouble?!” I completely forgot I had just put lotion on when I wrote that letter, haha. He didn’t get in trouble or anything, and said he wished I’d do it more often :)
We talked about graduation a little, which was encouraging. I told him about my mom planning my future baby shower out loud over the weekend. His response was, “We aren’t going to get a night alone together for quite some time, so I hope she’s not too excited.” I told him what I had said to her about not being able to hold his hand while he’s in uniform, and how that should put her at ease. He just laughed, “Yeah, until we get off base, then I don’t give a fuck. I won’t have seen you in two months.”
I decided not to pass on that bit of the conversation ;)
He asked if his pictures were in the mail. I’m glad I sent them right away because he’s dying to get them. He did say that he’s only getting my letters every other day or so, which is strange because I’m sending them out every morning.
He asked how I was feeling about our relationship, but I didn’t get a chance to fully answer because he had to go. I’m going to write him one hell of a response tonight, though. What a silly question.
I can’t wait to see his face smiling at me in 30 days when all of this is behind us.
For the first time since he left, I am avoiding writing him.
I feel awful about it, but the truth is I’ve bullshitted my way through the last four letters or so trying to come up with junk to cover up the things I’m trying not to say, and I’m out of ideas.
I wish he was home. I miss him more than I ever thought I could. Even if he didn’t know how to help, just knowing he knew put me more at ease. I got so spoiled having him hold my hand in waiting rooms and kiss me after getting test results in the mail. And now, I’m spending a sleepless night waiting for two doctor’s appointments tomorrow that I’m terrified of. On top of that, he DOES know about one of them and I have no clue how to phrase bad news in a letter, if it comes to that. But I can’t gloss over this one (like I’m doing about the other appointment I scheduled because the medication I was on abruptly stopped working.) In the first letter I sent him, I was beyond excited to be able to say “Babe! We found a medication that works!” Because at that point, it did. But now, even after increasing the dose, it isn’t making any difference anymore.
D said in one of his letters, “I’ve been worrying about how you’re feeling, but your last letter cleared that up.” I knew he would be worrying, which is why I was so excited to be able to tell him in that first letter that I wasn’t in any pain. I can’t write him back now and tell him it didn’t last. He knows I start back at work this week and he would be torn up over me going back in the same state I was when I left.
The appointment he knows about is one he made me promise I would go to, so there’s no getting around that one. And the other is one I at least somewhat want to go to, because I need to get started on the Tegretol as quickly as possible and discuss whatever the hell is going on with my heart rate. But I don’t think I’m going to tell D about any of that until he’s settled into A school.
This is ridiculous. I feel like I need a vacation and I haven’t even worked my first shift yet. I never knew disability would be this exhausting.
Side note: Act of Valor was heartbreaking. Man do I wish I had stayed home last night.